So it has been some time since i really updated my xanga and i really don't know if anyone reads this anymore so i guess it's safe to vent here for a bit.

I guess i can say that the past few months have been pretty rocky/up and down. as is life. i guess i can start fro the beginning, or the most recent episodes in my life.

met a great girl, but it ended... i will leave it at that

my grandmother passed away.

let's just say family life isn't all that great right now.

i had to withdraw my application to law enforcement and civic service because of the people i associated with when i was 15 years old, and with that i was pretty bummed out about. so another long term goal/dream/ideal is now gone.

scouts is crazy as usual but with the bombshell that i might have to cancel lien ket, something that i literaly have been busting my ass off  for quite some time now, really hurts me deep inside because i tried my best to accomidate everyone and make it work for the kids. in other words, i had a huge task and i feel like i failed all the scouters and i failed all those who came to me to the task. i couldn't deliver and it stings like hell.

I know that life is full of up and downs, and i know i will get over these things, some which i already have, but some are still so fresh, it leaves me wounded inside. I know these are negative aspects and i could am seeming petty to complain. but i think i need to let this out since i have held so much in for the longest time. I don't know right now. I feel like I am trying so hard and doing my best, but it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. last night, I realized that when I took the accountability for it, people were so easy to say it was ok, and not my fault, but deep down i know it was. that is the thing i have learned.

I hate failure. and i know that i am learning frm these things, but with greater risks come greater consequences. hopefully this mess that i am in will pan out and that something will work out for me for once, because i am starting to tire for trying to make everything work.